IM between Old Friends

me: I have some exciting news, the Judge called me and wants me to move in with her and go to school in NY.

Jewels: what Judge???

me: remember when I worked in the Superior Court

Jewels: yeah

Jewels: you were cataloguing documents I remember that

me: I was her court clerk …. and data entry …. bla bla bla talked me into returning to school …. well …. was in the same state I’m in today, and we spoke and she wants me to return back, move in to her guest room “is waiting” and I didn’t even tell her anything or ask her

Jewels: wow that is amazing.. and will you have work there?

me: that’s the cool part …. the same day … ah yesterday … I applied for unemployment and I found out that I get extra time because I was enrolling with an on-line college for my Masters….. but the Judge has always wanted me to go to a top tier college and she has written recommendations before … I bought $300  in books to study for my GRE test and essays and information for my future learning desires.

Jewels: wow that is GREAT!!!

Jewels: so what about your husband???? if I can ask?

me: lol lol lol

me: his girlfriend will be my neighbor! but I gave him my blessing

Jewels: wow!! so are you guys divorced?

Jewels: sorry but it wasn’t clear

me: he didn’t tell me the court date was in June but his girlfriend thinks so

Jewels: OMG Aiych, that is such a typical “you” sort of response.. I love it..

Jewels: hey as long as you are happy that is all that matters

Jewels: super great news about school

Jewels: so when do you move back school must be starting NOW

me: I am praying for a full scholarship

me: it is going to take awhile to apply and get in order….

me: worst case scenario I am going on-line for my masters which is what I was going to do before we talked

Jewels: ah okay… so you aren’t going to start this semester

me: it’s so frigging amazing this happen Jewels – I never even thought that it would be possible to move back

me: oh no … we have some letters to write, tests to take, essays to do

Jewels: wow that is great… and you want to move back to NJ?

me: oh god … I hate LA

Jewels: that is really great

me: I missed NY and I missed my friends there …. it was the first time I had friends that were MY friends and accepted me besides you and the few on the west coast …. Flaws and all

Jewels: well LA is challenging to say the least.. I love it but I could never live there again.. it was amazing being there for a week wish I could have been there longer

Jewels: ah okay.. that is great..

me: I’m going to research courses and write my essay about my hacking/government/cyber terrorism and economics

Jewels: what was weird was that it felt like I never left…wow!!!!

Jewels: well if there is anyone to tackle spy stuff it’s you my dear

me: I know …

me: it came just in time …. I dumped my parents and my whole family was pushing me to go to Thanksgiving and my brother told me I was turning my back on the family and I said nooooooo what about my pain

Jewels: wow… so are you still in LA?

me: yeah I have the plane ticket for next month and I called all my customers in the government and received %100 support and my work is weird which thank god I was officially let go of my contract my mutual agreement due to lack of on-site work assignments

me: anyway … just got up and going back to bed …. saw you and had to tell you this because I really thought that after what happened on the job I was fucked

me: and now anyone who was taking advantage of me during that time is now fucked

me: I mean….because they lost their chance to do right in my situation, gave me no support, and everyone knows. Oh and hey …. check out

me: The Sky is Over music video on youtube

Jewels: wow.. sorry for delay… my computer is being wonky but happy as I was FINALLY able to get into a site for school..

Jewels: oh funny I know his stuff.. really great.

Last message received on 9/19 at 6:24 AM

But me kept writing for when Jewels gets back from school…….

me: Elect the Dead! Yeah old but hey I haven’t had any time off in awhile so enjoying my computer…  anyway …. Jewels they got paid 750,000 for my job before it was finished and took it out of my hands and they were are keeping me out of the loop after all that dedication to chain of command and sacrifice ….. it was heartbreaking!

me: they have been trying to convince me to go to a psychiatrist but I have been reading all the government forms and I have to release all medical records and what were they trying to do! no good !!!!

me: they told me that my therapist I have had since 1999 isn’t good enough because she is on skype and I’m not using my work insurance but paying out of pocket … and I told them … she knows who I am … she knows I’m not crazy and she works with the military abroad – she deals with me as a whole person, and we don’t entertain chapel perilous …. we get me normal not the situation

me: ok … I think I vented …. have a great day, thanks for being there to listen … I always love I can blurt out things randomly and still feel like you are listening …. love u

Published in: on September 19, 2009 at 9:29 AM  Leave a Comment  
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In the time I have today,
I ask did I give back to society
and in my life I dare to say
that there are few I know more sacrificing.

A lot of people come to me,
about the things they’re feeling,
they cry, and I say try,
not to be so crazy.

The pressures of life are all but understood
when it comes to be,
the people I learn from and the people I love,
as their life unfolds and is free.

Published in: on September 17, 2009 at 5:26 AM  Comments (1)  
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Slaying The Monster

As I drove through the desert – I contemplated this day.
An unsettled fear – more was coming my way.
There was no where to run, hide, or escape
I was on a collision for another mental rape.
I wanted to destroy my cards, GPS and phone
but I knew that would mean I could never go home.

I had broken down and acted out of my mind,
If I did it again I wouldn’t be treated so kind.
I was just one of the three blind mice,
I could get away with it once, but never twice.
The constant attacks were breaking me down,
The real problems came once no one was around.

The computers were taken over and disabled.
My home was a fortress and nothing was stable.
Too stubborn to stop working and told
“Don’t touch that phone.”
That’s when I realized that I’m on my own.

My earnest efforts had already been rejected
I reacted to things just as was expected.
Captured in radio silence conditions,
and I was forced to abort my mission.

Broken apart till I had no direction,
under control of only suggestion.
Oh My God, you can’t be serious,
I had no idea why I was being put through this.

Completely cut off from the world that I know,
an unknown commander was running the show.
I was scared that I wouldn’t get out alive….
responding with actions so I could survive.

Maybe I was really losing my mind,
looking for evidence that no one could find.
Warned of destruction as the outcome to be,
A word of fatality, and the blame would be me.

My history was crazy, lessons easy to miss,
I wonder if that was preparation for this.
I was afraid to go to others during the roam,
Worried that I’d bring danger into their home.

I couldn’t talk about what was happening to me,
I didn’t know how to go on to be free.
I reached out one time, please understand….
Backfired till things were more out of hand.

Nothing left to do – face my fear head on,
Nothing left to lose, and I had to be strong.
I found myself driving to think for a bit,
Another warning I saw, and wanted to quit.

I kept trying to tell myself it was all an illusion,
That my mind was just sick creating delusion.
The strangers and I was all who could see,
the things they would do while following me.

I made rash decisions out of sheer panic,
told to calm down and stop acting manic.
“Behave as you would in your normal situation…
keep working without volunteering information.”

I went back to work and what was stolen now back.
Today has arrived and I appear I’m on track.
Just as unexpected when my project was taken,
I’m to say sorry for the delay – and I was mistaken.

What was the reason, the purpose, the plan?
I’ll never know but does my integrity stand?
I fought black and white, and gray was a crime,
I stopped resisting the monster who gave me my time.
What you resist persists, or so I’ve been told…..
I returned to the battle but the trail went cold.

Wrap it up,
move ahead,
don’t look back again,
Embrace the beginning
and fear not the end.

Published in: on September 17, 2009 at 5:14 AM  Comments (1)  
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As you believe

so shall you become

and then the flame

becomes the sun….

so you dance

underneath the moon of understanding…..

and acceptance

of the new dawn…….

Published in: on September 17, 2009 at 5:07 AM  Leave a Comment  
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As the sun rises in another land
the warm rays are out of my hand
Your light is my dark
My light is your night
We are just on the other side
Where time arranges our days and lights
the illusionary flight
the dream of life
I have a teetering existence
balancing on the tight rope of insanity
I am consciously unconscious
trying to be present for my life
that lives on without me…..
Published in: on September 17, 2009 at 5:04 AM  Leave a Comment  
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The Lights My Friends

It started when I was a child ….. reoccurring with plenty of years in-between…..establishing normalcy for long periods of forgotten time.


This is a letter I wrote one night to Art Bell:

Sometimes, when I’ve had a cocktail, I want to call
you on the air and tell you this.  I admit I have
tried, but I always get a busy signal.  I am relieved
the next day I didn’t get through.

I want to take you back to my experiences with UFO’s.
I never claimed to see Aliens.  So I want you to
understand that first.

I was traveling by night to go see my grandfather with
my best friend at the time in 1993.  I was taking 8
east through San Diego, somewhat along the border of
Mexico through to Tucson.

There are a lot of closed down air force areas there
and scattered nuclear sites.

As we were driving along a big white light appeared
behind us.  We were not looking for anything at all.
We were going on vacation.

This big white light appeared with some yellow ones on
it’s side.  It came up fast behind us, I was driving
my friend looked behind us and freak-ed…it’s huge
she said, it is so big, like three football fields.  I
didn’t look back.  I didn’t ever speed up.  Just drove

We journeyed along and it would appear and disappear
as we came close to cities and then reappear as we
left them.  The ships would hide in the formation of
the stars above. They would play with us.  IT’s the
only way to describe it. 

We started taking many trips to the desert just to
play with them.  There were times when as many as 50
would appear in a field, doing amazing tricks, just
appearing was amazing.

We would get out of the car and we would chase after
them, and sometimes they would turn around and chase
after us…we would run back to the car screaming,
like little kids.

A shaman once told me we acted like children and
that’s why they were in contact with us.

They seemed to follow along the route of the train
tracks and sometimes it seemed like information was
being thrust-ed into our heads so fast it was like our
synapses were snapping and we were geniuses.  I
remember once the thought came into my head that they
were digging underground and dropping the dirt on the
train (going a certain speed it wouldn’t notice the
weight) and then taking it off and dumping it
somewhere else.

One night, the moon wasn’t there.  Then it was there
bright as could be.  Then it turned into a cone and
then a cheese shape.  It was like a hologram.  It was
like a port-hole.  I wasn’t sure if it was a test
conducted by the military of holograms in the air or

We were made a promise once (in our heads) that they
would not take us on the ship but show us them in the
daylight.  We were on our way back in rush hour
traffic about to hit the 10 freeway into downtown LA.
Keri (my friend) was all pissed off because we hadn’t
been on board yet.  I said, “Don’t you remember, they
aren’t taking us on board, they are showing us them
during the day.”  She said, “Yeah, well they didn’t do
that either.”

All of a sudden behind us in rush hour traffic a
silver ship appeared () like that but horizontal.  It
had many little strands of silver that made it up.  I
said, LOOK!  She looked and said “I missed it!”  I
looked to her driving at the time and there it was on
the side of her I said “There!” and she looked….as
it left us it dissipated from the bottom up, now
looking like () this but slightly angled.

We kept saying, “This has to be on the radio! Everyone
had to have seen it!”  As we approached Hollywood
boulevard or Melrose Blvd., I can’t remember, we saw
the disc circling above us.  We heard screams and
yells on the streets and we said, “Finally people see
it! They really see it!”

When we got there, it was a gay pride parade.

It later circled around our golf course (this is when
I lived in Hancock park) up in the air.  We saw light
forms in the trees and huge spiders we have never seen
came down in 3’s as if to warn us.

Anytime we talked against them they would disappear on
our travels.  One time when I was looking at this huge
craft with a little one attached I was scared they
were going to abduct us.  I wrote a note saying if we
disappeared it was them.  Keri got so mad at me
because they disappeared after I wrote the note.  She
made me throw it away and then they came back.  That
was on a trip to Idaho…we went through Vegas….They
were overhead as huge as can be over Vegas!

One night we went out in the field and these little
lights, I call them probes danced all around our car
and hands.  If anything was making the crop circles, I
always believed it was them.  Some sort of
communication, data retriever, non touchable but solid
light of many red, orange, yellow colors. 

Later, our experiences started to darken.  There were
little mechanical things working on what appeared to
be digging and they had lights on them, as if they
used the lights to not bump into each other.  One
night we went off of Side Winder road.  There was a
pyramid of probes and we were going towards it.  We
found ourself to a flat land over a military type
base.  There was these strange plane/triangle
type machines that filled up with huge gas pumps that
were glowing liquid inside.  They had three lights,
two went on each side of them and one down the middle.
That was during a time of med-fly spray warnings.  Med
fly my ass! A police officer appeared out of nowhere
and cornered us in.  He talked about these two girls
who were there the week before who disappeared …we
had been there the week before.  Our lives were
basically threatened covertly that we would disappear
and die,(by the hands of Mexicans crossing the
boarder, as he put it).

I went back to the desert two years ago, and nothing.
Just one big white light once.  Bummer.

So we have the technology, I can tell the difference
between a military UFO and a real one.  The military
flies in formation, the real one dances with us.

Only Proof Only Proof
Published in: on September 16, 2009 at 8:02 AM  Comments (1)  
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Never to late to learn…..

Good Afternoon members of the administration, distinguished faculty and staff, graduating students and honored guests. I want to start and end with gratitude. Most of us who graduate today could not have reached this point without the patience, encouragement, and love of the most important people in our lives. If you’re the guest of a graduating student, be assured that your influence made today possible. This celebration is as much for you as for the ones who walk away with a diploma. Your faith carried us to the finish line. We will always be grateful.  

Those of us who choose to return to college as adults do so with an added sense of responsibility. Educational success is not a mere academic exercise to those of us who have had to balance classes and homework with family and jobs. Our success as individuals, the example we provide through our hard work, persistence, and dedication to learning can and will affect the lives of those we love. As much as we owe to those who supported us, we also shouldn’t forget the obstacles. The hardships. The events that knocked us down. The people who knocked us down.  Each of us has faced dark moments when this day seemed impossible… not even worth dreaming about. But worthy dreams grow even in darkness. We should pay our thanks to the obstacles in our lives. They proved the value of this dream, strengthened us on this journey, and prepared us to face all that may come.

To the graduates… I say you have proven yourselves. You can work a full-time job, raise a family, and complete a college degree. You have overcome. You have more reason to be confident than most. Be bold. Use that certainty in yourself and your qualifications to get your foot in the door of the career you always wanted. Do not ever let anyone tell you no. Be as determined and diligent as you were when you had weekly papers to turn in. Use those time management skills to improve your lot in life… and most importantly, never stop building on those skills. Never stop learning.

Our new knowledge allows each of us to be more helpful to those around us than we ever were before. Friends and family find our conversations filled with new insight and guidance. Reflect on your contribution to your friends and family before you began college… and consider your contribution now. Ask them if they’ve noticed a change, a transformation. For myself, I’ve found that my eyes no longer gloss over when my father speaks to me about math and science. My friends call me more often than I call them to bounce off ideas and ask what I would do if I was in their situation. In something as minor as watching television, I pick up extra nuances and plot twists that I never would have seen before. Professionally, I’m doing a better job at work. I’m able to adapt with the rapidly changing times and keep pace with advancing technology. I actually consider myself intellectually agile.  Education has taught each of us to take something that is broken, observe it, tear it apart, and put it back together to get it running again… whether it’s a computer… or that most delicate of machinery, a person we care for. Ultimately, education has allowed us to become more valuable to others. But of course, our transformation should extend beyond our personal circles. We should — we must — use our knowledge to contribute to society as well.

Many of us decided to get a degree to increase our earning power… and that’s good. A life of desperation is little benefit to anyone. But the greater wealth comes from sharing what we’ve learned, and using our new skills to contribute to the world at large. This journey to a college degree has transformed us from the curious student to the wise advisor… (But if we’re truly wise, we’ll never stop being the curious student).  And, as promised, I return to gratitude. To our families…you may at times have felt neglected by us as we hit the books and pursued deadlines… but you were never forgotten. You were what kept us going. You were why it mattered that we got it right. Only to our loved ones can we say: you gave us the greatest gift of our journey, you gave us freedom to grow. You sacrificed our time together, leaving us alone to spend an extra 20 hours a week on homework and classes. You weren’t always happy but you were never discouraging. And the person in my life who convinced me to return to school is sitting here today. The Judge told me, “They can never take away your education.” Graduating class…I say to you…your achievement is yours for a lifetime. Be proud of your efforts. You will have success and failure, achievement and sorrow, but your understanding of the world around you… no one can take that away. I honor the staff who facilitated our journey, and I applaud each of you who graduates today for your achievement. May you rise to every occasion, and declare victory in every endeavor. And may you all continue to learn and grow so that each tomorrow that lies ahead is another page in the story of your success.

Published in: on September 16, 2009 at 7:48 AM  Leave a Comment  
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How do you get out of Chapel Perilous?

I was just doing my job, and noticed something awry. I decided to investigate (with the third eye)? I kept digging – running mathematical equations…..every time I brought in help, even more from my life was taken.

I saw the things that were only made for movies. I ran the numbers and came up empty. I cut my hands open and bled without pain. I tore everything apart to find answers in vain. I look at the last thing left I hadn’t opened….a DVD of the movie a Beautiful Mind, that’s when I realized that I had been broken.

I found another writer today “The Poetics of Thought” – The Poetry of Reality – it was the perfect place for me to make my first comment:

Your post is “in time” for my moment in life. I have been enmeshed in Chapel Perilous and it all came to a sudden slam against the walls of reality. I have experienced more in this little room of changes than I can recall in my very busy “normal life”. I entered this “god forsaken place” back in May …. and it didn’t matter where I ran to, I was always within the walls of confusion. Each day brought answers that were definite and different than the day before. I finally had to accept that the answers were always changing and no thing was to be true or trusted. I finally stopped running and stayed within a confined environment that seemed to be off the radar of the hustle and bustle of the world around me. 9/9/9 …. was the night I learned of alchemy, and the computer became alive with something on the “other side” showing me a brilliant display of ability I had only seen in the movies and believed to be special FX. I had a human being behave in terms of a 180 (again) and attempt to impose a belief that I knew not to be true of my character… when the door was closing ….the last words I heard was …..”Where is my ID?” I tore everything apart till I cut my fingers open deep with a knife, bleeding over the papers covering the floor, I broke the lock on the door, I pulled the lights out of the wall and tore every ballast apart, questioning the reason of an outside fixture indoors, I took a knife to my laptop and dismantled it piece by piece, especially focusing on the bottom notification “strike zone” I pulled the mirror off of the wall, and went through articles of clothes, I put numbers together and called to reach NOS and dialed the patterns and the numbers I put together, only to be connected to the Republican Party, or a college that had a number for the bank closings, or to be given a code that was something along the lines of URNM13…….I looked in the microwave, stove, under the sinks, the stove tops, the refrigerator, and I found a red light blinking and cut the wire to the air-conditioning that was protruding from a strange place. How did I know what I was looking for, when I have never looked before, no knowledge of what I should find once I find it…..if I ever find it? I had to be diligent, smart, and time efficient and put things back together before anyone may hear my disturbance. I stopped, and found a gift left for me…..a DVD of a Beautiful Mind…. now 9/11/09 and I just sobbed. I really fucked myself. I couldn’t leave the room because I ruined the handle and lock, I couldn’t get cool air on a hot day, I had no computer to do my work, and I had no one I could call for help and explain what I had done… out of character …. so out of my mind. I can only do small things to be “normal” again. Eat, sleep, exercise, study, write, and crawl out of the depths of despair, remembering I was the one who had it all…..or did I?

Published in: on September 14, 2009 at 8:07 PM  Leave a Comment  
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The Sound of Silence

I am consciously unconscious of my non-stop verbal chatter. 10% of my cranium is aware that words are leaving my mouth as if I left home and forgot to turn off the brain causing a fire from self-generated excess heat. 90% is unconsciously undermining the health of my very existence. My stillness interupted by a voice in my head that has talked with my permission. My waking moment creates the reality from my first awakened breath. Ideas spawn out of behavioral patterns of an untreated mind creating messages into the world that shape every one connected…. you and all things. I believed I was a positive human being, contributing to society, and leaving the world a better place for having been born. Examining the results of my existence revealed painful understanding that my work has not been done. I recognize myself as the very child I pity for having parents who care more for themselves than for their own flesh and blood. The soul who arrives without anger trains in self loathing and destruct. The behavior spreads through the conscious streaming – ultimately contributing to the very ills of society I deplore as inhumane and absurd behavior.

I am taking the step now, with every word I type to replace every useless word I say. This is the journey of my conversations demise. Emeshed in my own self-destruction. I normally would be alone and on the phone, with whoever saying whatever. I now have to consider what I say….because it is forever recorded on-line. I have a job to do….I must stop being selfish in obliging foolish desires to hear myself talk. I have spoken for most of my waking hours, and out loud in my sleep. Every word spent here, is one step closer to the day the consciousness behind the voice ceases to create.